I love causing pain

I love causing pain. This has taken a long time for me to come to admit. And the reason behind my inability to admit this is is very much at the core of why I think I have developed a sadistic streak.

The how

I should start with the event a few weeks back that started this ball rolling. I had a session with a friend of mine whom I have played with before. He has a lovely collection of toys and gear and seems to bring out something new when playing together. I have a great time with him since many of his sexual fetishes match up with mine. This play session ended up being a little different from before.

I came wearing my knee high boots and I we had planed a boot worshiping session. Now I am always interested of the affect of an outward appearance on someones persona, “clothes make the man” as the saying goes, so I enjoy the confidence wearing a well shined pair of knee-high grinders bestows on my sense of self. I was also nervous about being the one who’s boots were to be worshiped. I am in no way a natural Dom. Giving orders, making decisions and having the confidence in my own right to take the lead are not things I have. Normally.

This night was different, and I found myself naturally taking the lead and then a dominant role. I think this was easy as my own fetishes are so closely mirrored by my playmates I could naturally just divine from my own fantasies about being topped in the same situation, but it was after we was done with bootworship when I really began to experience something new. I was asked by my playmate to tie him up and use various implements on his body and balls. Crops, canes, floggers and boxing gloves were all employed as I worked him over. As I did so, I found myself enjoying each instrument more and more. The different yelps and gasps of air and moans I could encourage all brought out a deep sense of both satisfaction and curiosity within me.

How far could I go?

Would changing the angle or the motion in my arm do?

How can I hurt him more?

As these thoughts ran through my head I began to see how much enjoyment I was deriving from not just the experimentation, but the act itself. The little yelps and grunts brought me happiness as it was a symptom of the affect I was having on this person. The act of being able to inflict this on someone was deeply satisfying and for filling to me and it has not be said, tho erotic, not in a sexual way.

The why

Its taken me a long while to examine the why in my head. The answer really comes out as who I am as a person. Who I am all day, every day. And that person is someone that tries to be nice and helpful. I have developed a deep and driving need to please those who I care about. Even people I don’t know I will be kind to. I feel on a very deep level that in this life we all have to treat others the best way we can because that’s the only way the world becomes a better place. Being rude or nasty to people because I am angry or annoyed is no excuse. Its failure to do so. This coupled with my need to please, to make sure those in my life are cared for brought happiness means I feel constantly pressured to never hurt others. So letting myself have license to let go of this driving imperative in my head is very satisfying. In a situation where I can cause someone else pain, to hurt them, and for them to enjoy it and want that from me lets me have a loop hole from the rules in my brain.

I get to be naughty, and nasty. I get to be bad for once. And that is a powerful notion to me. Not to be the meek little mousey boy being quiet to appease the turbulent and rupturing world around him but to be free of all the needs of others is all held in the smack of the crop and the singing whistle of the Cain. As I made clear earlier in this post. Its all very new to me but I would love to try it much more in the future.

sexlog 15.1.12

In which our hero learns to shift his weight, a flying kick is administered to the balls and the best angle on a man is appreciated.

“you know, I think this has to be my favourite angle to view a man.” these are the thoughts that run through my head as a cock is slid down into my throat. I say slid in because I am in a very passive position. My hands are tied behind my back and tauntly roped to my feet, leaving me quite immobile . My play partner is on top pressing his lovely thick cock down my throat, meaning I am looking up from between his thighs, passed the balls that are pressing down on my nostrils to the lovely mounds of his buttocks. The musk of the balls, feel of his cock filling my mouth and the sight of his ass is a very potent mix indeed.

The only sight that matches it greets me later when his weight bears down on top of me as I am forced to rim him and I see the terrain of his back stretching out above me. The mountains of his shoulder blades in the distance, parted by the valley of his spine leading to the hills of his ass right in-front of my eyes.

My play partner is M. who I mentioned in my posting on the new years day Recon event. After much twitter flirting it was felt that a meet-up would be in order, so I shlocked my ass into London and over to his place. Well things very quickly heated up once I was through the door I soon found myself on the bed being sucked and kissed while my hands were roped behind my back. Once I was hog-tied it was a fun while of the aforementioned forced sucking and rimming till my tongue ached. Something that I particularly like is the fact that I was expected to still move and shift my own weight while tied up. Oh don’t get me wrong, a man dragging me round the room and manhandling me into position is hot for me but having to wiggle and struggle really highlighted how vulnerable I was. It also made me feel like I was having to work to get to suck my tops cock.

After a while of this there was a quick rearrange of my limbs so my arms were tied to the corners of the bed my exposed balls were weighted down, by way of a ball stretcher, to a spare trainer left on the floor. Then a but-plug was produced and slowly drove into me. With my ass filled and nuts constantly tugged I found it a but harder to concentrate on the tick cock that was once again being shoved into my mouth, but I didn’t have to worry about that for too long. Once I was loose and relaxed enough it came time to be untied for something a bit more intimate. Now M. has a lovely thick bodied cock that felt great filling my mouth but being a bit of a novice fuckee I found it a little hard to take at first. It was on the second attempt, once we had re-arranged into a spooning position, that he was able to push into me and I was able to feel him stretch and fill me without too much pain. We build up the rhythm slowly, with him taking small gentle movements until I started to loosen up more. The small rocking grew into full grown thrusts soon enough as he was pinning my leg back to get deeper into me as I pushed into him. It was a long while we kept this up until I felt the need to cum. We shifted so I was on my back with my ass in the air and he thrust down on top of me. As he drove deep into me I began to wildly jerk my cock to climax where I covered myself in thick viscose strands.

The glow of the sexual endorphin high lasted a long time, with a nice, long, sticky, cuddling session with occasional snogging. When it came time to finally move about again, I first had to take of the ball stretcher. M started by tugging at the shoelace that launched the shoe right into my balls.

I'm *assured* this flying kick was not intentional CBT but an accident. Lol.