I love causing pain. This has taken a long time for me to come to admit. And the reason behind my inability to admit this is is very much at the core of why I think I have developed a sadistic streak.
I should start with the event a few weeks back that started this ball rolling. I had a session with a friend of mine whom I have played with before. He has a lovely collection of toys and gear and seems to bring out something new when playing together. I have a great time with him since many of his sexual fetishes match up with mine. This play session ended up being a little different from before.
I came wearing my knee high boots and I we had planed a boot worshiping session. Now I am always interested of the affect of an outward appearance on someones persona, “clothes make the man” as the saying goes, so I enjoy the confidence wearing a well shined pair of knee-high grinders bestows on my sense of self. I was also nervous about being the one who’s boots were to be worshiped. I am in no way a natural Dom. Giving orders, making decisions and having the confidence in my own right to take the lead are not things I have. Normally.
This night was different, and I found myself naturally taking the lead and then a dominant role. I think this was easy as my own fetishes are so closely mirrored by my playmates I could naturally just divine from my own fantasies about being topped in the same situation, but it was after we was done with bootworship when I really began to experience something new. I was asked by my playmate to tie him up and use various implements on his body and balls. Crops, canes, floggers and boxing gloves were all employed as I worked him over. As I did so, I found myself enjoying each instrument more and more. The different yelps and gasps of air and moans I could encourage all brought out a deep sense of both satisfaction and curiosity within me.
How far could I go?
Would changing the angle or the motion in my arm do?
How can I hurt him more?
As these thoughts ran through my head I began to see how much enjoyment I was deriving from not just the experimentation, but the act itself. The little yelps and grunts brought me happiness as it was a symptom of the affect I was having on this person. The act of being able to inflict this on someone was deeply satisfying and for filling to me and it has not be said, tho erotic, not in a sexual way.
Its taken me a long while to examine the why in my head. The answer really comes out as who I am as a person. Who I am all day, every day. And that person is someone that tries to be nice and helpful. I have developed a deep and driving need to please those who I care about. Even people I don’t know I will be kind to. I feel on a very deep level that in this life we all have to treat others the best way we can because that’s the only way the world becomes a better place. Being rude or nasty to people because I am angry or annoyed is no excuse. Its failure to do so. This coupled with my need to please, to make sure those in my life are cared for brought happiness means I feel constantly pressured to never hurt others. So letting myself have license to let go of this driving imperative in my head is very satisfying. In a situation where I can cause someone else pain, to hurt them, and for them to enjoy it and want that from me lets me have a loop hole from the rules in my brain.
I get to be naughty, and nasty. I get to be bad for once. And that is a powerful notion to me. Not to be the meek little mousey boy being quiet to appease the turbulent and rupturing world around him but to be free of all the needs of others is all held in the smack of the crop and the singing whistle of the Cain. As I made clear earlier in this post. Its all very new to me but I would love to try it much more in the future.