“You know I’m so glad bulking season is
over, I finally get to start cutting!” Said no gym goer ever!
I don’t do cutting, mostly because it’s one
of the least enjoyable things at can be done in relation to the gym. Sure,
there is the struggle with lifting weights and the soreness and stiffness that
come the day after and even the long trudging stretches of time in the cardio
section, but with all of these I feel good after with a great sense of
achievement and a flood of enorphins. When it comes to cutting I just feel
crap, and hungry, and tired and just plain miserable. Beyond this however, my
mental health starts to deteriorate.
Spending a stretch of time starving myself
to the point where my body has to dig into its fat reserves are never fun. I’m
just constantly tired and hungry, so very hungry. My sex drive goes, my ability
to concentrate goes but beyond that my mental health suffers. It starts with me
feeling ratty and short tempered. I begin to see my body in a negative light
and start measuring my waist all the time. I start to feel horrible about
myself and hate how my body is. This is the biggest thing that makes cutting
repellent to me.
Since starting back at the gym four years
ago my relationship with my body has completely changed. I feel I relate to my
body in a much more positive way, I have gained a greater understanding of how
it works and I don’t feel powerless against it. That may seem a weird thing to
say, that I felt subjugated by my body, but I did. It seemed like my weight and
body shape were things I was trapped by. My skinny arms were something forced
on me and I couldn’t change that. If I became fatter or thinner, it was because
of reasons I didn’t understand and so felt dragged along by my body for the
ride. Now I know I can affect change on my body. I know how my activities and
eating patterns affect it. If my body starts to go in a direction I don’t want,
I can just change my behaviour and my body will respond. This feeling of
control over my own self has improved my body image to no end. I now like my
body, not for what it has changed into, but because it isn’t something that
makes me feel bad about. Its part of me, not something forced onto me. Sure
there are goals I have set to achieve in terms of body shape but I’m happy with
where I’m starting from.
This all seems to go out the window when
cutting.
The wearing down of my mental health probably
has a lot to do with this. Being miserable and tired for so long won’t do
anyone any good, but then further combined with fighting against an appetite
that I often loose against and lack of easy progress means that old feeling of
my body being an object I am forced to deal with, rather part of me, rears its
ugly head.
Being a cub helps a lot with it, as I don’t
feel any social pressure to strive for the classic gay mans abs when I can have
a rubable belly instead (well most of the time, going to Hampstead heath pond
and sitting in a large group of topless gay men all with abs in speedos) so if
I feel my bellies getting beyond my comfort zone I just start clean bulking and
do a bit more cardio, which is normally enough to bring things back to where I
want them.
