The gym thing again.
Ego tripping
so now we will talk
about my gym neurosis once again. Since starting at the gym I have
found myself to be a lot happier with myself and my life. Whilst no
where near as big as I was, I have kept my pot-belly, and intend to
keep it that way, people now seem to be calling me an otter cub
instead of a bearcub because of that. The biggest change is that I am
gaining quite a lot of muscle mass. I have definition on my arms and
legs and my frame is changing shape. I'm working hard to put on as
much muscle mass as I can before my holiday in San Diego this June.
This change has brought
about a flurry of compliments my way. People have really noticed how
my body has evolved and I often hear how much thinner I am. The best
point was when I was cuddling with my boyfriend and after shifting
the get comfortable he looked up at me and asked me to tense my
muscles again. After flexing my biceps he looked at me with a huge
grin and spent the time checking out how much firmer my body had
become.
So the gym is working
for me this time. I am getting a body I enjoy and people are
complimenting me. So where is the neurosis you may ask? What is wrong
now?
The answer is that I am
worried about the ego it is giving me. For a long time now the men
who regularly go to the gym I always assume are egotistical
narcissistic body fascists. You know them, the clique that stand in
the corner of a club posing while looking disapprovingly at those who
are not. I now worry in a big way that I will become like those
people. Its like the moment in mean girls where the main character
realises she is talking about herself so much people are board by it
but she finds she can't stop.
This is a worry to me
as I have noticed myself becoming more egotistical about my
appearance. Though I stop and wonder why that is worse than disliking
my appearance? Are we as a culture so programmed to seek improvement
on ourselves from products and surgeries and diets that when we do
get to a state we can be happy with ourselves we are told to then
feel guilty about it?
This worry over my ego
has lead me to wonder about my own prejudices. The fact that my
first assumption about people that go to the gym are probably stuck
up, cliquey people says more about me than it does about them.
Recently one of the new
people I have been getting to know since new years is an armature
body-builder with the physique of a Greek god and the strength to
throw me around like a rag doll. He is not humble about his body. He
himself stated he is an extremely vain child, and also a huge
exhibitionist. I suspect the latter is a large part of his motivation
to work for such a big body. What has stood out about him is that he
seems like a great guy. He is cheerful and nice and the opposite of
what gym bunnies were supposed to be in my world view.
I guess what this boils
down to at the very heart of the matter is I am not worried about
becoming vain or egotistical but not being a nice person any-more.
Its not the idea of liking my own body so much as judging other
people for theirs. To a lesser extent it's also the worry if I
achieve the physique I want then people will make the same
assumptions about me that I have made about others.
These worries I know
will stay with me for a long time, but in a way that is a good thing.
They will act as a safeguard preventing my fears coming to pass. I
just have to keep reminding myself that so long as I keep an open
mind and don’t look down on others for being who and what they are
then I wont become a douchbag. I know myself who I am, a person who
loves a wide rainbow of body types and someone who enjoys getting to
know new people and new experiences. I just have to be reminded of
that sometimes.
p.s. In case you are
wondering, dear reader, the muscle god has promised to throw me about
a wrestling mat and do all sorts of nasty things to me. When it
happens in shall be sending you a full report ;-).
