Christmas is done with. for good.

Its over, finally over. for three long months now i have been enduring the consumerist bacchanal that is known to the world a Christmas. i say three months because i work in retail, meaning the Christmas decorations and promotions have been going since before we even took down the Halloween decorations. This section of the year is never pleasant. It is full of people becoming increasingly stressed from the societal demand on them to do ever increasing present shopping for more expensive gifts and the increased workload at there jobs for this time of year. From this stress they become unpleasant, taking it out on each other and the staff in shops.
This is not the season of good will. This is the season of stress, desperation and over consumption and this year i have had enough.
This has been my last Christmas.
Next year i will not be doing Christmas, next year i will be truly celebrating what i feel should be held in ones heart this time of year. Despite not classing myself as neopagan i have been, in the recent years of my life, celebrating and marking midwinter solstice. I do so by going in turn and visiting all my friends, giving them something homemade in turn. Marking the deepest and darkest time of year by seeing the ones i love has given me great fulfillment, much more than traipsing round shops to buy things. And so i have decided to give up the hollow event Christmas has become and I'm going to go for its primal cousin midwinter, marking the worlds journey from the darkest point to the lightest.
no shopping required.

picture by mordachai71 on deviantart

weekly hotness

What a beautiful video explaining about Bara. the music and cinematography have a lovely dreamy feel and the narrator is rather dishy too.
It's a pity Bara isn't more widely spread in the western world, if there is one thing I would like, it would be more images of natural and alternative men shown as attractive active in the wider culture.

Bara by Letterpress from Graham Kolbeins on Vimeo.

thanks to bear's art van for originally posting this.

mmmm man pictures

so...this gym thing....

Yyou may remember a few posts ago i talked about my desire to return to the gym and the turmoil that came of it. I felt maybe it would be best to do a little update on that for how both my body and mind have faired. The first big thing is that i have kept up with it pretty consistently and made good use of my gym membership. This, considering my track-record of starting a new gym and leaving in record time, is already a big success. I have found it helps to give myself short term goals to live up-to so i have a reason to do my gym routine and not justify procrastinating about it.
My body is changing, and far more rapidly that i thought it would. It's exciting to see my body change and to know i can exert a lot more control over my form than i thought. My shoulders are more defined, my back is expanding and i actually have biceps now! (before it was a knotted bit of string lol). It has become obvious now the reason my body didn't change before was i was working with some very bad advice. My trainer before had given me some odd workout choices that, now i know from research how my body works a bit better, seem very nonsensical. Heed this lesson kids: do your own research.
and lastly we get to the big thing; my mind. Seeing my body change and people take notice has helped keep me  in a healthy, happy state of mind about the whole thing and i can look into the mirror without seeing nothing but faults. That's not to say i haven't had to be careful. The tape measure has become my new 'frenemy'. I have had the compulsion to constantly measure my body everyday. This did me no good at all and always makes me fret about my waistline. It would be soo easy for me now that i have reached my waistline goal to just try and go that little bit further. and further. and further. As i said, i have to watch my insecurities about my cubby tummy.

so all in all? its been a good time for me.

when good sex has great effects

Sex makes us feel good. Its a fact. If done right sex is a great highlight of our time on this tiny spinning world. But last week was the first time for me that sex actually felt rejuvenating.

Last week was a time of many firsts for me, it was my first time in Spain, my fist holiday away from my family and my first bear event So for me it was a bit of an adventure. I spend several nights cruzing at the beachside party at night and flicking through the scruff app by day to find various hookups and they were all fun, but there was one that stood out to me for the effect it had.

For the rest of the evening riding the dopamine high that comes with good sex, and the days after I felt like I had been renewed, recharged and rejuvenated from the experience. It gave me a feeling that nourished me, which I hadn’t had in a good long while.

The experience itself was one hot sweaty affair and filled in my brain now in the 'great sex' folder. I had spent this holiday with my ex, whilst we are separated, was very much my partner in crime this holiday and one third of the event in question. It was late in a bar and we had ended up chatting to a Swedish gentleman who had an interest in bodybuilding. Now unlike a lot of the musclebears than hung around that week he seemed refreshingly devoid of attitude and a nice guy And had a even nicer body. When it came to a point where all three of us knew what we wanted we made are way to a cabbin in the darkroom and things got extremely sweaty.

Now it still seems odd that something which felt good for my soul happened in a plywood box but it gave me something that I needed. It was an encounter that whilst happening I became completely absorbed in. i'll admit that this is rare for me and in the process of sex my mind will plan ahead and even wander to the to do list for the day waiting for after the hookup but not this time. All my normal worries and to dos slipped completely from my mind and I was able to involve myself completely in the salty, panting, rough fun with two hot guys. This sense of freedom stayed with me long after and really marked the start of my mental holiday long after my physical holiday began.

It shows to me that sex can be more than just a bit of fun done right. Whether done with a friend or lover or even a stranger it can be a transformative, rejuvenating experience providing us with a solution to a deeper need within us.


oh and if your wondering we had the Swedish gentalman over the next day. he was considerate enough to bring hsi own handcuffs :-)

a few photos of my sir

I thought i would share a few photos of my big brother (as in too young to be called daddy) i took in our last session. im rather proud of how well they turned out as I hadn't used my camera in ages. please enjoy..

to gym or not to gym

Not many people know that I, a lot of the time, feel live several people crammed into one slightly too cramped skull. I'm not crazy by the way, I just feel like I have multiple personality. It happens every time I need to make a decision.

And this decision is one that happens about the same time of each year and, as per usual, my phychie splits itself in two and starts to wildly bicker as I watch on unsure who to side with. I am talking about of coarse the desire to go back to the gym.

Its an affliction that pops up about the same time each year, around the time when the weather gets sunny and the surplus sunlight gives me a boost of energy and motivation to everything I do. Part of me, the hankering half that wants to join, compels me to go telling me that if I do I might stop hating how thin my arms are, or stop getting that bad feeling inside when the wrist wallet still slides up and down on the tightest setting, thus proving to me that I have the wrists the size of a teen-aged girl.

The other half, upon hearing this, gets lathered up into a righteous rage. How DARE you craig! It trembles in the tone reserved for people that believe what they read in the daily mail. How dare you think that, its an utter betrayal of your ideals. Your a bad Buddhist for being unhappy with what you have! your a Bad member of the bear community for not accepting your body as it is! Don’t you remember what happened last time?

And that’s the thing, I do remember. I remember the first time I joined a gym. I remember being dedicated to it for a good two years. I remember working hard and putting the time in even when it meant a cold and rain drenched journey out in winter to go to the gym. I remember going and nothing changing. Despite doing what my instructor told me my body not changing.

Then I remember how I felt. I remember what started at a dissatisfaction of my body growing into something more powerful, like disgust.

And I remember how after two years it ended with a moment of realisation.

This realisation came at a LGBT youth group I had attended. Two of my friends at the time were comparing there torsos and admiring how many ribs they were showing.

Let me just repeat that if you missed the point of that moment: they were congratulating and admiring the fact that they were unhealthily thin and emaciated enough to be showing internal parts of there body.

At that point I realised it wasn’t my body that needed to change, it was my viewpoint of it. So I quit the gym and ate things that were delicious and filling instead of healthy and bland and I didn’t gain that much to be honest, I seem to have a very set body shape and metabolism either way. Soon after I found out about the bear community and a latent attraction to the urine gentlemen which lead to me loving my own little belly in turn. When a friend told me I should suck in my belly at a pride event a year or two ago I told him, in a friendly way, to fuck of and If people went attracted to me for what I have then its no worry of mine.

To this day my belly doesn’t bother me. I still don't wish to be thin, I don't long to display cobblestone abs and they generally are not an attractive quality to me. I’ve found I’m a lot happier this way.

But my arms do still bother me. Its something that had persisted and reared its ugly head time and again. If I am to have a belly, could I at least not get big arms maybe a wide back to round of my frame? Please?

So here I am again. I've re-joined a gym. The two camps inside my head have formed into an uneasy coalition government over this matter now. It was negotiated out that I can have a go at building up my upper body muscles on the conditions that A) I feel tremendous guilt for wanting to do so, B) watch carefully I do not become one of those people who lives in the gym and does nothing but talk about the gym with other people that live in the gym and C) if I ever go near the state of mind I went to last time, I will quit there and then.

I suppose I’m like someone who after burning themselves on a hot stove is frightened to try cooking again because they could get burnt again. I just have to keep telling myself if I’m careful I can safely bake a nice beefcake. And if I do end up getting burnt again I suppose I will just have to rely on my skills at tossing a salad.

Mmmm

Dam I wanna chew on those

come up to the bat-lab to see whats on the slab!

ah, this picture is the genre mixing fan art i love. I simply had to repost this like some cheap and twardry tumbler blog (relax I like tumbler).
the only thing wrong with this picture is that harly quin should have been made collumbia, who but she could fit so well into the role of a half crazed love-blind groupy?

where have i been this time

OK, so I've been a bad, bad bloggist. I've not kept up with regular posts on this blog and shamefully let it slip by the wayside whilst i have been doing my open university coarse in the evenings and filming for my other blog on the weekends. the whole thing would be rather embarrassing if I didn't know this blog had a rather low visit number.
As it is I have had a rather busy this last year in love and trying to make a go of a relationship. It didn't work out. From the moment I saw him across the courtyard on that warm spring night he felt like the one and it started off so well. For a long while it worked and then, and then?
I dunno, all the little problems started mounting up, and bunching together to make big problems, and after a long struggle to keep it working we both bowed to the fact we wanted two very different kind lives. It ended amicably. Maybe a little too amicably.
A person with more life experience than I once said to me that its a good thing that when breaking up, you have something to be angry at your ex for. Anger is a coping mechanism, when your feeling down or sad or vulnerable, most people swamp that with anger, it keeps you strong and able to fight when you shouldn't. it also gives you an opening to separate yourself from someone your in love with. As things are it has been hard for the both of us as we keep slipping back in boyfriend behaviour and struggling to move on.
but move on we must. i have a new chapter of my life to get on with.
As things are I've also had little time for working at my sketches and this will be remedied, as will a few other things that have been lacking in my life.

the jizzle!

porn: the mother of inovation

porn is often cited as the reason VHS tapes beat betamax in the format wars (note. for those not learned in pre internet, vhs was a way to view video before downloads and streaming services lol) and lets face it, the growth of the internet is due to the promise of hot sweaty photos and videos at the click of a button.
So its nice to see porn and technology still going together nicely.

From the fifth of April titan men will be placing QR codes on the back of there dvd boxes that will give the potential customer a trailer for the film.
for those who don't know QR codes are basically bar-codes which contain webadresses. simply use an app on your iphone, android, blackberry or windows phone7 to snap a picture of this bar-code to have the trailer streamed to your smartphone.

originally found on http://www.allamericankinkster.com/

oh the things i would do to him

new hair

I wanted to try something difrent, so I gave myself an inverse skunk tail. That I thought worked out well. I just wish I handn't tried to to do my beard. Oh well live and learn

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walk like an Egyptian. or not in this case

So as you may have figured out from the photo, yesterday was a lovely afternoon of being bound up  and was the first time I have been mummified. I love getting to experience new things and what they teach me about myself and what I experienced with an afternoon of mummification was fantastic. The sensation of my brain quieting down from lack of sensory input was such an odd feeling, I'm not sure i can describe it, but here it goes:
My mind was like a swirling pool of shades of blackness pierced only by the occasional sharp sound. the most intense thing was when i was kissed, Having only that sensation to focus on made it so intense for me.
very odd and very cool. defentaly will be asking my sir to do this to me again.

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almost done

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its coming wlong nicely

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working on my first comission

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