Thursday 23 November 2023
Wednesday 18 June 2014
The Gym Thing: "cutting? ugh, cutting!"
“You know I’m so glad bulking season is
over, I finally get to start cutting!” Said no gym goer ever!
I don’t do cutting, mostly because it’s one
of the least enjoyable things at can be done in relation to the gym. Sure,
there is the struggle with lifting weights and the soreness and stiffness that
come the day after and even the long trudging stretches of time in the cardio
section, but with all of these I feel good after with a great sense of
achievement and a flood of enorphins. When it comes to cutting I just feel
crap, and hungry, and tired and just plain miserable. Beyond this however, my
mental health starts to deteriorate.
Spending a stretch of time starving myself
to the point where my body has to dig into its fat reserves are never fun. I’m
just constantly tired and hungry, so very hungry. My sex drive goes, my ability
to concentrate goes but beyond that my mental health suffers. It starts with me
feeling ratty and short tempered. I begin to see my body in a negative light
and start measuring my waist all the time. I start to feel horrible about
myself and hate how my body is. This is the biggest thing that makes cutting
repellent to me.
Since starting back at the gym four years
ago my relationship with my body has completely changed. I feel I relate to my
body in a much more positive way, I have gained a greater understanding of how
it works and I don’t feel powerless against it. That may seem a weird thing to
say, that I felt subjugated by my body, but I did. It seemed like my weight and
body shape were things I was trapped by. My skinny arms were something forced
on me and I couldn’t change that. If I became fatter or thinner, it was because
of reasons I didn’t understand and so felt dragged along by my body for the
ride. Now I know I can affect change on my body. I know how my activities and
eating patterns affect it. If my body starts to go in a direction I don’t want,
I can just change my behaviour and my body will respond. This feeling of
control over my own self has improved my body image to no end. I now like my
body, not for what it has changed into, but because it isn’t something that
makes me feel bad about. Its part of me, not something forced onto me. Sure
there are goals I have set to achieve in terms of body shape but I’m happy with
where I’m starting from.
This all seems to go out the window when
cutting.
The wearing down of my mental health probably
has a lot to do with this. Being miserable and tired for so long won’t do
anyone any good, but then further combined with fighting against an appetite
that I often loose against and lack of easy progress means that old feeling of
my body being an object I am forced to deal with, rather part of me, rears its
ugly head.
Being a cub helps a lot with it, as I don’t
feel any social pressure to strive for the classic gay mans abs when I can have
a rubable belly instead (well most of the time, going to Hampstead heath pond
and sitting in a large group of topless gay men all with abs in speedos) so if
I feel my bellies getting beyond my comfort zone I just start clean bulking and
do a bit more cardio, which is normally enough to bring things back to where I
want them.
Labels:
gym,
identity,
jornal. kink. personal.,
journal,
personal,
the gym,
the gym thing
Friday 30 May 2014
Whats In a Puppy Name
My musings on the nature of how puppy boys are named
I thought I
would put to paper (or more accurately, screen) some thoughts that have been
swirling about my head for a while, and lately became fuel for a conversation
with a friend. The main topic of conversation was the nature of puppy names.
Now for
full disclosure, I do not identify as a pup as many people I know do. it has
caused me some consideration as I have a lot of puppy tendencies, when the
people around me are pups I feel I can let out a side of myself that clicks
with them. The tactile, huggy, happy, in-the-moment part of my self blooms. I
have even started barking back with the pups I know. I have joked with them
that they are slowly trying to assimilate me into puppy-hood like a playful,
kinky borg collective. But I fundamentally do not feel that puppy hood as a
whole fits me. I do not have that inert ‘puppyness’ I see in others. But one
thing about puppy culture fascinates me; the names.
Names in
general fascinate me, I grew up fed on fantasy novels and Wiccan books that all
agreed names have special meaning. I have noticed that people tend to create an
online name that they use all over the internet, a name they chose for
themselves rather than their birth name. So puppy names fascinate me for the
fact that puppies never decide their own names.
This seems alien
to me. The notion that you need another person to name you seems wrong to me,
it is a concept that does not sit right in my brain. I understand that real
dogs don’t have the language or mental setup for names, so they are always
given them by owners, and so it makes sense that a puppy boy’s name would be
given by their trainer/owner/master/generic-dom-term-here. But there is a part
of me that can’t wrap my brain around such an important part of your personal
identity being dependant on other people and because of that, often being
transient.
I have noted
the widespread use of mythological references in puppy names. My NSFW twitter
feed is filled with names from the Norse and Greek pantheon. This I wonder if
it is because of the symbolic nature of mythological characters. The Norse and Greek
myths were often anthropomorphic personifications that had very singular
character traits; Pride, wisdom, hubris, trickery, kindness, compassion etc. so
I can see why they would be popular puppy names being clear shorthand for what
a pups personality may be like. In this respect I suspect Puppy names are in their
nature are more descriptors than identifiers. As with real dogs, they tend to
have names that are more descripted of their doggy nature. How many highly
energetic, but low on attention dogs have we all met called something like ‘Sparky’ or the like.
On my
limited experience with my own full puppy play from a play night with some
friends I was given the full mits and
muzzle treatment and was given the name Pup Scamp for the night. Which I found
fit me well in its implications of acting cute but naughty, but I can’t say I felt
any massive connection to it. It’s not like my Birth name or my ‘internet name’
of mouse that touches to a deep part of me.
Many
puppies change their name with a new owner. Feeling the old one no longer fits.
Is this because with each person that enters and leaves our lives we are
changed, and so the name only fits a version of the puppies self that has
passed? Or is the name works as a symbol of their relationship to another
person more than a symbol of their self? It’s a topic I wish to understand more
about but again it seems to point to the name being a descriptor rather than an
identifier.
I would
love to talk with more puppies about this, because it’s something that I am
hungry to understand and really fascinated by and a subject that has given me
much thought in my wider musings of others, and my own identity.
This is my Big Bro Pete. He’s one of the dearest and most important people in my life. This weekend for a much delayed birthday present I gave him my old pair of chaps that don’t fit me anymore and boy does he look good in them. I don’t see him nearly enough as I want to as he’s living outside of London currently, but when I moved to London having him close by helped me a lot to ajust.
Also, the fun we have when he I and my bf get together is insane and provided me with so many great memories.Thursday 5 December 2013
You are feeling sleepy…. The exploration of hypnosis as a kink
You’re going under…..
I have noticed in
the kink world fetishes rise in popularity and commonality in a
voguish fashion. Now I have no empirical data to back this up, only
my own observations, so I’m not going to claim this as fact. A few
years ago it seemed like fisting was on the rise, with more people
dabbling their toes in it. Currently I think its puppy play that is
the rising star of fetishes. Many people I know are eager to explore
it and find that the nature of puppy play fits their psychology, the
kink blogs and podcasts I follow seem to be talking about puppy play
to a great degree. I’m talking about this because a fetish I have
long held now seems to be entering the up and coming category and
recently swelling in fans. I talk of course about hypnosis.
Now the general
populace I find tend to find have a vague, often misinformed
understanding of the nature and limits of hypnosis. It is seen as a
dark and near magical art, and very few people think it could be used
for mutual sexual enjoyment. (I say mutual sexual enjoyment because
online seems to be littered with adverts promising to teach other how
to use hypnosis to pick up women and bed them. If this was possible I
believe it would count as date-rape, however as I learned, someone
can’t be made to do something they would consciously object to.)
People tend to easily see how things like rope, paddles, floggers can
fit into a sexual scenario but hypnosis is rarely ever placed in with
them. The truth of the matter is this; the cliché of the mind being
the biggest sex organ we have is true, and hypnosis is an incredible
tool for stimulating it in many strange and fantastic ways.
My personal
fetish for hypnosis and mind control has been something quite innate,
as opposed to more recent fetishes I have gained from discovery. Like
many people who early years had an oddly specific interest in seeing
people tied up on TV or in stories and play, I always had an intense
interest whenever hypnosis was used in the media I consumed. As I
grew into an adult this grew to a full sexual fetish. Like much of my
interests the basis is the power dynamic. It features someone
submitting to another; however the nature of hypnosis takes this to a
much higher and more intense degree. As I have discovered ways to
explore this fetish I have found the fun people are able to have
doesn’t all have to be based on power exchange, it can be a much
more playful and light-hearted experience of sensory play. It came in
incredibly useful when my partner and I were living long distance and
A hypnotist I worked with gave us some verbal triggers to simulate
certain *ahem* intimate sensations when my partner and I was chatting
over Skype.
…You’re getting curious…..you want to know more….
A lot of people
claim that they don’t believe they can be hypnotised. This isn’t
true as we all enter a hypnotic state multiple times a day. Don’t
think you do? Well the just think for a moment, have you ever found
your mind wandering off and daydreaming? Ever just sat in front of
the TV to let you mind rest and just passively experience the program
on TV? If the answer is yes then you have entered the mental state of
a hypnotic trance. There is nothing special to it really, it’s no
magical rare state and no one needs esoteric powers to put people in
that state. All it is, put simply is letting your minds ability to
critically analyse and examine information drop. Your brain goes into
a passive state where your mind will just accept new information it
is provided with. Don’t worry however, yourself preservation
mechanism still works in this state, so if you’re in a hypnotic
state no one can suggest to you to jump off a cliff or give out your
bank details. Anything you morally opposed to, or if it’s a concept
you naturally would be opposed to your mind won’t accept. Apart
from that your mind will accept what it’s told. If you’re told
you feel like your cold whenever you hear the word weasel, you brain
will tell you you’re feeling cold.
This manipulation
of your perception or your senses can lead to a lot of fun. Having
trigger words or actions that set of reactions in a sub can be very
fun, especially if the sub can’t remember what these triggers are,
giving the Dom/hypnotist a lot of fun to play about with them. My
early experience with a hypnotist was a very enjoyable session where
he made me forget important information, such as my current address
or my own name before returning that information to me. This was
trippy at the time, but when he then asked me if I was sure that the
name I could remember was really my own or one he had placed there,
that was when it really got interesting. To quote Dr Frank N. Furter;
“a mental mindfuck can be nice”.
As well as
perception play and using triggers as tools in play another common
desire I see amongst hypno fetishists is the desire for mental
transformation. A lot of them are for things like getting into puppy
headspace. A friend who in the past could never comfortably fit into
a puppy persona despite wanting to do puppy play went to see a Dom
with knowledge of hypnotism. After a session of hypnosis he reports
he easily slipped into the mind-set of a puppy and had a deeply
enjoyable time in that state. Other doms and subs like the idea of
long term changes. A popular request is for a hypnotist to help
change a person’s outlook and interests into that of more of a
jock; to be obsessed with building a muscular body and to have over
masculine behaviour. Many hypnotists are quite happy to comply with
this; the subject gets help for filling their desired goal and the
hypnotists seem to take enjoyment out of changing a person and being
able to nurture a positive change in someone.
AS mentioned
previously my own experiences have been great, for the most part. I
started with a wonderful ‘tist who lives in Brighton. He has been
great to work with as he was very informative and able to answer a
lot of the questions both I and my partner had at the time. As
mentioned before he placed a few triggers for my other half to use
over Skype or telephone whilst we had been living apart long
distance. I have worked with one or two hypnotists since then and
enjoyed the kind of fun of having my perception played about with in
small, entertaining ways. I have also run into one or two assholes
along the way. This brings me to the point we must come to in any
discussion about fetishes and kink play: Safety.
….you’re getting the urge to stay safe sane and consensual…..
Now as I said
before. Your self-preservation and innate senses of right and wrong
will protect you whilst you are under hypnosis, but that doesn't
mean there aren't people that won’t try and overstep boundaries,
often in some more subtle ways. I had a session fairly recently with
someone who tried to implant suggestions that I would feel a greater
sense of trust with him which, as the greater trust you have in some
means you tend to be more receptive to suggestions from them. This of
course made me feel uneasy and brought me out of trance. He then
proceeded to try and get me to only want to work with him as a sol
hypnotist and agree to things whilst he thought I was under his
influence. Needless to say I haven’t worked with him again. The
whole unethical behaviour of the session made me feel very freaked
out. Unfortunately, as with any kink or power exchange play, there
are people who will try and use the vulnerable positions people put
themselves in for play in unethical or horrible ways. So what can be
done? My advice is to take the same precautions that you would use
with any kink play. Firstly draw up a list of hard and soft limits
for yourself. It helps a great deal to clearly define your own
boundary’s in your own head. Next, when trying hypnotism out with
someone, don’t rush into things. Always, always have a discussion
to clearly define boundaries and things that make you uncomfortable.
This is just as much about helping out the hypnotist as yourself.
Things are better when all parties involved know where they stand. I
have heard many examples of subs becoming upset after telling the
hypnotist they are ‘up for anything’ and then freaking out later
when a ‘tist crossed a personal boundary they never thought to
mention to the hypnotist they were playing with. Also get to know a
person before playing with them. Take some time to have a few
conversations with them to get a feel for them as a person. Lastly,
if you listen to pre-recorded hypnotic tapes, skip the induction and
listen to it once while fully conscious to see if someone hasn't
put some unlisted, malicious suggestions.
….and on the count of five, you will be awake and ready for more.
If you follow
these guidelines you should be safe to go ahead and enjoy all the new
avenues hypnosis play can offer you. I do suggest that everyone try
it once to explore what possibilities can be opened up by playing
with your perception, I’m sure you will be amazed. To fall back
onto a cliché I have avoided for this entire article; the brain can
be the greatest sex organ.
For further
information on this subject I recommend the No Safeword podcasts
episodes guest starring the professional erotic hypnotist Neil:
And for your own
exploration feel free to visit the following sites:
Sunday 23 June 2013
Life Is Good
Well dear reader, I suppose I should really get round to posting another erratic update on my life. Things have been moving steadily along in my life and seem to be getting better and better. With the expenses of moving in and a period of unemployment for me, our funds became very tight. This state of affairs in now easing thanks to my new job.
I'm employed again!
I now have work again, and so far its been a job I really enjoy. In fact its a job I have had on my life's bucket list. I now work in a fetish clothing store. That's right, I get to work with rubber and leather all day with a great group of people, many of whom I am already friends with. It's one of these new-fangaled zero hour contract deals, but I don't mind as its such a nice team to work with. I really am surprised just how different it is from working in a large corporate company. Everyone knows each other and everyone pitches in to help. You don't get clueless managers going round with paperwork badgering you to work to an unrealistic standard set by head office. It's all people who work alongside you and know what needs to be done. The shop itself is in a very nice aria with a green across the road that's wonderful to sit and have my breakfast and lunches in. Yesterday as it was the boyfriends birthday, on my lunch hour we nipped round the corner to a lovely little Cuban restaurant which served awesome food for actuality decent prices. I'm even loving the fact that I now have a proper commute into work, although I'm sure that novelty will wear off soon. All this has now given me the realization that....
I'm now a Londoner
When the hell did that happen? I now live in London. Not student halls living, but proper contract rent living. I commute on the tube to work, the bf and i have an overpriced cramped house-share to live in. I go drink over priced drinks after work so I don't have to deal with the rush hour on the transport system. We are looking in the mid-term to moving to somewhere near Vauxhall if we are lucky or somewhere like Wimbledon if we are not so lucky. I have taken to city living like a duck to water, and find it suits me down to the ground, the best part is how social I can be with everyone now. Every weekend a fun time out with friends is only 15 minuets away, now if only I could plan my days out better so i could always make it to...
The Gym.
As my membership to the student gym ended with the the university semester, I thought it would be a good time to explore further afield. I chose my local branch of the 'The Gym'. You may have come across them, they are the extremely cheap gym chain that works on the Ryan air model. The monthly payment fee is minimal, but they charge whenever they can. I was shocked to find even the lockers were not coin operated models that are the standard in most gyms or swimming pools. No, you had to bring your own padlock, or purchase a 'The Gym' branded one from a nearby vending machine. Luckily next-door is one of those 99pence shops, the chain that have filled the corpses left by the demise of Woolworth, that sold a sturdier padlock for only a pound. If you are smart and prepare ahead of time to get the extras you will need cheaper elsewhere 'The Gyms' can be great value Now they gym itself isn't bad, however I find most of the gym is dedicated to cardio machines. Apart from dumbbells, the weights section is under supplied and over populated. I've given up on hoping to get the Olympic bar with so many other people prowling around waiting for it to become free. Also, as often as I griped about the disorderly nature of the patrons of my last gym, this gym is worse. I just don't get why it is so hard for people to put weights back in the correct order.
The eye candy here however is a counterweight to my frustration. I seem to have struck it lucky with a plethora of cute cubby boys getting all sweaty as they work hard.
My body is developing nicely, if slowly. Although that is my own lax attitude to the gym. The kind of gains I really would like to make can only be quickly achieved by not letting life get in the way and planing everything around gym visits and a strict eating schedule. The latter I have been improving upon with a much better diet, but meals as a social ritual for bonding and pleasure are too important to me to give up to a regime structured around only fueling the body.
My attitude about my body had been flailing wildly over the spectrum, at times I am fine with my body and like what I see, at others I feel like I have too much of a muffin top and belly and wish to downsize, and others I feel good about my belly but wish my arms and pectorals were better. It is my belief that everyone feels like this from time to time and we live in a day and age where people cannot have a constantly positive body image. I know many people that really hate their bodies all the time and I'm glad i can look at mine, when in a good state of mind, and appreciate what i see in the mirror for its good points. Over all I have become quite secure in my physical identity, lately however I have been thinking about the implications of my inability to find a clear sociological/mental identity.
Existential identity pondering
This deserves its own blog post to fully explain the thoughts and uncertainties I have on this subject, and I will produce one in time. The short explanation is that with few real troubles in my life now my brain has seen fit to find lesser troubles to bother me with. I have found myself mulling over my lack concerted identity that I could identify myself with. Many others in my social circle have this privilege; they are puppy boys, furies, muscle boys, cubs, bears, rubbermen, leathermen, slaves and owned boys. None of the commonly used identifers comfortably fit me. As I have explored these avenues I have found none are for me and I struggle to explain to people who I am and what I enjoy. This may sound silly, but in the kinky world having a pre-made role to use as a shorthand for what you want and will do is a common and useful tool that also helps foster a sense of belonging to a community. As I stated before, this will be its own post and will explain it fully then. Until then I will simply say that my life at the moment is going well and i hope it lasts for a good long while.
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